Some Hearts
by BrokenFerryboats
Summary: MerDer story. This is my take on what happens after the 4.11 break-up. A/N: I don't have plans to continue this.
1. Disappointment

This is my take on what happens after the 4

_This is my take on what happens after the 4.11 break-up. I'm actually quite happy with where the show's at right now, but I love to create my own little world of happily ever after._

1. Disappointment

After his date with Rose, Derek drove her home. She seemed content with the evening. They had had a nice meal at a French restaurant down town, chatted politely and he tried as hard as he could to keep his mind on the woman sitting in front of him. But he found it hard to get Meredith off of his mind.

Rose didn't know what she was expecting from the date. She felt that he was keeping his distance and she didn't know why. She thought about asking him about it, but then opted against it. When he dropped her off she politely said 'Good night' and thanked him for the evening. There was a moment of silence as she sat in Derek's car waiting for him to say something. "I had a nice time," he said with a smile. "But, I have to be fair to you. And the truth is that... well..." There was a small pause before she spoke.

"You're not over her, are you?" she said carefully.

"It may be over but as long as she's on my mind... you're not... and that's fair to you."

"You're right, it's not," she said with disappointment.

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

She opened the door and stepped out. She looked at him one last time to see if he would change his mind, but it seemed as though his mind was already somewhere else.

xxxxxxxxxx

Meredith stood in front of her bathroom mirror. She had once again driven him away. Tears started to form in her eyes as thousands of memories went through her mind. He had broken her heart. And she had broken his back. She wondered if this was it, if she would have to find a way to move on. She found it hard to convince herself that she'd be able to do that.

Somebody knocked on the bathroom door. "Uhmm, Mer. There's someone at the door for you," she heard Alex say. "I'll be right there," she said as she dried her tears and headed downstairs.

She would have expected anyone but him. But there he stood in her doorway; just like that night after the bomb had exploded just a few steps away from her. Right now that seemed centuries ago.

He saw that she had been crying. It broke his heart, but at the same time it was good to see that she had lost something as well.

"I was wondering... if maybe... you'd like to come for a drive?" he said.

She tried to smile. "Sure. Let me just get my coat."


	2. Sacrifices

2. Sacrifices

He hadn't planned a speech and the words didn't come easily. He didn't even know if he wanted closure or a fresh start. She didn't know either. They sat silently in his car, driving along the highway. Both of them were wondering if they could put together the broken pieces of what had once been. Derek didn't stop his car until they were in front of his trailer on the land he had bought just outside of Seattle the same week he met her for the first time.

Derek's mind drifted to that night they met at the bar. He never could put his hands on it but here was something about her. She was beautiful, but that wasn't it. There was something else. Her smile made his heart sting and when she laughed it felt as though every piece of his shattered universe fell into place. She didn't ask personal questions and that kept him at ease. She had some sort of power over him from the very first moment. Something that always made him come back to her ever since. It was pouring rain as they stood outside and waited for a taxi, standing side by side. She looked amazing, wearing a thin jacket over her black dress and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. It wasn't subtle, but she didn't seem to mind. "Maybe we should wait inside," he'd said. She didn't reply. She just looked at him with her beautiful sea green eyes. She then stepped closer to him and kissed him. And that was it, from that moment he hadn't been able to let go of her. She had been on his mind ever since. And now all these months later that girl sat besides him in his car wondering if she should let him go. It had been a rocky road and at the end of the day it wasn't anyone's fault.

"I can't let go," was all she could say. Tears started running down her face. Derek looked at her, studied her face. Her skin was pale and although it was dark her eyes were visibly red.

"I can't either," he said eventually.

"So, what do we do?"

They sat still for a moment until he opened the door and said "Come on, take a walk with me."

They walked up to a hill near by with a beautiful view over the city. "Wow, this is amazing," she said while Derek looked at her admiring the view.

"This where I was... " he hesitated. "This is where I wanted to build us a house and... you said that I would settle for someone who wanted the same things that I do."

"Derek, I..." Meredith started but he shushed her.

"I need to say this, so just let me say this. I have this dream. A dream about how my life will be in ten years or in twenty years. I wanted... I want a lot of things. A house, a wedding, children, a cat and a dog. There are a lot of things that I want. But you know, I would settle for a different kind of house if that's what you wanted. I would settle for just about anything, except for a life without you. I don't want someone. God knows I can barely breathe without you. So... I can build us a house here if you want or we could live the rest of our lives in the trailer. It's your choice. As long as you stay by my side."

Meredith was breathless. She took a few steps and took a look the city light. Then she turned around and looked into his eyes. She smiled when she said: "We need to have a porch overlooking the city."

"So this is it?" Derek said breathlessly.

They both had tears in their eyes. She walked over to him, took both of his hands in hers and said: "This is it."


	3. Issues

3. Issues.

As she woke up she could feel the morning breeze on her skin. She opened her eyes carefully. The man who had fallen asleep besides her was gone and he had left the door to the trailer open. She looked around for some clothes. Hers were still damp from the rain last night, so she borrowed one of his shirts and found some old jeans of hers that were lying around since the last time she was there.

It felt so long since the last time she was happy, happy like she was right now. She stepped outside and saw him sitting down by the lake with his fishing gear. It was sunny and the sky was clear.

He had only caught one trout so far. He loved to come out here in the morning before the city woke up and enjoy the silence. He looked at his watched and knew that soon he'd start to hear the sounds of the traffic from the highway. When he heard her footsteps behind him he turned around. God, she looked beautiful. The sun made her honey blonde hair even blonder, almost golden and without the make up he could see freckles on her nose, the ones she hid from the world most days.

He greeted her with a soft kiss.

"Trout for breakfast?" she asked, smiling.

"Well... I know it's no leftover grilled cheese, but you'll have to live with it," he said teasingly.

"I guess we'll both have to make sacrifices," she said as they made their way back to the trailer.

She sat on the porch as he cooked their breakfast. He then came to join her with two plates of grilled trout.

"This is why I keep you around," she said smiling.

They ate their meal quietly enjoying the moment. After they'd finished eating and Meredith had washed their dishes she came back out and sat next to him.

"If every morning could be like this," she sighed.

"It could," he smiled at her. She leaned in and kissed him. When he deepened the kiss she started to pull away.

"Derek, I've been thinking..." she started.

"Don't think," he said in response and kissed her again. When they finally stopped for air Meredith made a second attempt to speak.

"Seriously, I'm being serious!"

"I love you when you're serious," Derek said and kissed her once more.

"We still have a lot of things we need to talk about and sort out," Meredith said when he finally stopped kissing her.

Derek looked into her eyes. There was a sense of vulnerability to them. He knew she was right. They'd already tried to make a fresh start, but life doesn't work so easily. This time they had to do it right, which meant putting it all out in the open and then let it to rest, once and for all.

"I know," he said, mesmerized by this person by his side.

There was an awkward moment of silence while she was trying to say what she wanted to say. She didn't quite know how to go about it.

"Well, what are you thinking? You think we should go see a therapist?" Derek said, when she clearly was not going speak.

"Do you think it's a bad idea?" She replied with a nervous look on her face.

"No, actually. I've been thinking that too, that we might need someone to help us sort out our issues."

She smiled. "Okay."


	4. Pieces

_Thank you for your reviews. I'm going to try and update daily... but reviews keep me motivated. And I don't mind criticism, if you think somethings could be better!_

4. Pieces

They were both nervous, very nervous as they sat in the therapist's waiting room. His hand squeezed hers. He was afraid that bringing everything to the surface would shatter this relationship into even smaller pieces. No, he pushed the thought away. They couldn't possibly make a bigger mess out of things.

They had decided not to see a therapist at the hospital. They didn't want to talk to someone who'd already heard the gossipy part of their relationship.

"Mr. Shepherd! Miss Grey!" the receptionist called. "Mrs. Hanson's ready to see you now." She had on a warm smile as she directed them into a room down the hall. Mrs. Hanson was a kind looking woman in her mid-forties. She greeted both of them with a handshake and asked them to sit down on a couch, whereas she sat on a chair opposite them.

"So," she started. "Derek, when you called you talked about needing to sort out some issues the two of you've been having."

They both nodded in response, not quite sure where they should start.

"Ok, tell me... how long have you been together?" she continued.

They looked at each other, again not quite sure of how they were going to get through this conversation. The therapist looked at the two people in front of her waiting for a response. Finally Meredith spoke up.

"Well, it depends if you mean 'how long since we first met' or 'how long since the last make-up'!" She blushed a little and Derek couldn't help but smile at how awkward she looked.

"Well, tell me about when you first met." This time it was not just Meredith who blushed.

"Well," Derek started. "We met at a bar, about a year and half ago."

"Okay, could you be little more specific. I mean, what made this meeting turn into something more than a simple conversation at a bar?"

"Tequila, basically." This time it was Meredith who answered the question. Derek looked at her a little offended.

"Well, honey if we're going to do this we might as well be honest," she continued in a defending tone.

"Fine," Derek said looking from Meredith to Mrs. Hanson. "It was tequila."

Mrs. Hanson studied the two faces in front of her. She had a feeling that these two were going to be a complex case.

"Ok. So alcohol was involved. That's not uncommon. Tell me what happened next."

Meredith and Derek looked at each other. "Well, the next morning I woke up as she threw a pillow at me. And then she threw me out," Derek replied as Meredith had to remind herself once again why she was here.

"I didn't exactly throw you out!" she said in her defense.

"Yeah, you did," he replied laughing.

"Fine," she looked at Mrs. Hanson. "I threw him out."

Mrs. Hanson couldn't help but laugh. Their chemistry was amazing.

"Ok, Meredith. Tell me, how did this one night stand turn into a relationship?"

"Well. That morning I started my internship at the surgical wing of Seattle Grace," she said. "Where he was...well is the head of neurosurgery."

"So, the morning after you found out that your one-night stand was your boss?"

"Yep, bad karma, I know!"

"Excuse me?" Derek said a bit offended.

"I just meant, it would've been better if you hadn't turned out to be my boss. It would have made things a lot simpler than they turned out to be." She smiled at him and squeezed his hand a little.

"Okay, so over time this developed into a relationship?"

"Yeah," Derek said. "Somewhere between elevator kisses and watching ferryboats at the break of dawn, I fell in love with her."

Now, that was a sentence that made her heart stop.

"How did your co-workers react?" Mrs. Hanson continued.

"Well in the beginning there were a few hoops to jump through, but we got good at not letting it affect our work," Meredith said. "Things were going good for about two months, we were happy. Until..." She paused and looked at Derek.

"Until Addison showed up," Derek said not taking his eyes off of Meredith and saw that bringing this up still hurt her, over a year later.

"Who is Addison?"

"Derek's wife," Meredith said carefully.

"Did you know he was married, Meredith?" Mrs. Hanson looked at her.

"No," she sighed. "I didn't."


	5. Reasons

"_Did you know he was married, Meredith?" Mrs. Hanson looked at her._

"_No," she sighed. "I didn't."_

5. Reasons

Meredith unsuccessfully tried to stop the tears from forming in her eyes while Derek slowly explained the situation of Addison to Mrs. Hanson without letting go of Meredith's hand. This time she had no control over her tear ducts. She stared up at the ceiling and prayed that her tears were reason enough for Mrs. Hanson not to question her right away about the subject.

"Why did you go back to Addison, Derek?" Mrs. Hanson asked with a calm voice.

Meredith looked down from the ceiling at Mrs. Hanson and then at Derek. It was a question she'd wanted him to answer for so long. He'd told her that he had made the wrong choice, but he never said why. She knew he'd probably had his reasons and didn't want to push him. She thought those reasons had more to do with Addison than herself, and she did not want to hear stories of how he had once loved that red haired long legged woman. She slowly realized how much they had left unsaid.

Derek paused before answering the question.

"I... uhm...I didn't want..." he began, but the words didn't come easily. He took a deep breath. "I wasn't a good husband. I never cheated, but I was not a good husband. I didn't treat Addison the way I should have. And as much as I resented her for what she did, I felt responsible. I thought I owed her that much." He paused and looked at the woman sitting next to him, before he continued. "I had been a bad husband, and I was afraid that I hadn't changed, I mean I didn't even tell Meredith that I had a wife... I was too afraid to lose her that I just... she deserved more... Meredith deserved more. She didn't see it, but she deserved more. I owed her a chance to fall in love with someone who was worthy of making her happy."

Meredith stared at Derek. She was speechless. She had thought about his reasons for leaving her over and over, but it never occurred to her. It never crossed her mind that he, Derek Shepherd, thought that he simply wasn't good enough for her.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she whispered.

"We never talked about it," Derek replied. "No one ever let me near you. Bailey kept me away from you, so did Izzie and Cristina. And then time passed. You moved on eventually and I let it go, I let you go... tried to at least."

"Meredith, how did you feel when Derek went back to his wife?" Mrs. Hanson asked with that same calm voice.

"Shattered. My dad left, and so did my mom... in a different way though. I learned not to lean on others because people always left or were absent in some way. But this time I did, I let myself fall in love with him. And then... he left too," Meredith said never letting go of Derek's hand.

Derek looked at her fighting to keep her tears back. He hadn't realized it at the time, but he now knew that he was in many ways responsible for her trust issues. How do you expect someone to trust, when you have given them no reason to believe?

"You've had trust issues?" Mrs. Hanson said.

"Yeah," she sighed.

Mrs. Hanson contemplated of asking them why they couldn't let go of each other but then she opted against it. It was obvious, maybe the only thing that was obvious in this relationship. They needed each other.

"The two of you have made good progress today," Mrs. Hanson said studying their faces. "Next week, we'll continue where we left off. Derek you mentioned Meredith moving on?"

"Yeah," Derek replied breathlessly.

"Okay, that's where we'll start next week. We'll take this one step at a time." She smiled at them.

xxxxxxxxxx

They were silently sitting in his car on their way back to the hospital. Meredith sighed.

"Oh, god! We really did make a mess of this, didn't we? Both of us!" she said.

He stopped at a red light and looked at her. Her eyes were still a bit red from earlier.

"We did," he said as they both laughed at themselves. "We'll be fine," he then added.

"Yeah, we will."


	6. Promises

_Again, thank you for your reviews. I said I'd update sooner, but I'm in the middle of my exams and well... Anyway here's a short one, more of a filler chapter. I'll try and update more this week, with more therapy sessions, family meetings and so on... enjoy!_

6. Promises

"Meredith?"

"..."

"Meredith?"

"Do you know what day it is?" she replied with her head buried in the pillow.

"It's Saturday, our day off. Anyway I..."

"Oh so you knew that! Then why are you talking to me at 7 o'clock in the morning?"

He couldn't help but laugh at her, she was anything but a morning person. She sat up and looked at him frustrated. "What is so important that it can't wait till noon?" she said sleepily as he pulled her on top of him and his lips found hers.

"I need to tell you something," he said between her kisses. "Besides there are other things to do in bed than sleep," he smirked.

She smiled and kissed him once again before asking. "So what do you need to tell me?"

"Well, my mom called last night. She was not happy about my absent these last holidays, and she wants me to go to Kathleen's birthday party next weekend. She's turning 35."

"Okay, well you don't need my permission to go see your family, Derek!" she smiled before kissing him again, her honey colored hair covering his face.

"Well, I already said I'd go..." Derek said with a nervous look on his face. Meredith paused and looked at him.

"Derek, I can survive a weekend without you," she said a bit more seriously than she intended.

"Well, I told her we'd come together," he said cautiously.

Meredith froze. A few seconds passed and Derek wondered if she was breathing.

"Honey, please breathe. In and out," he said and she took a deep breath before speaking.

"Derek," she started. "The last time me and a member of your family were under the same roof, it did not go very well and I don't think making me go to a birthday party filled with people who only know me as the slutty-intern-turned-dirty-mistress-turned-friend temporarily-turned-an-adulterous whore is going to go any better."

He couldn't help but laugh at her rambling.

"Nancy was just being a little over-protective. And if you give them a chance to get to know you, they'll love you. I mean how could they not. And I want my family to meet the love of my life," he said sincerely looking into her deep green eyes.

"I...I just don't have the best track record when it comes to families," she whined.

"You'll be great," he said convincingly.

"Is it really that important to you that I come?" she asked.

"Yes, it is." He smiled at her and she smiled back before kissing him and then giving in. "Okay, I'll go."

"Promise?"

"I'll have to get someone to cover for me."

"I got you covered."

"What?"

"I already asked Izzie, in exchange for getting to scrub in on a craniotomy," he smirked.

"Wow, since you're bribing people to get me to go with you, I guess I'll have to."

"So, promise?"

"Promise."


	7. Mistakes

_Again, thank you for you reviews - they keep me motivated. There'll be more updates this week. Anyway, enjoy!_

7. Mistakes

For the second time they sat in Mrs. Hanson's waiting room, and for some reason no less nervous than the first time. It was a Thursday afternoon, and tomorrow they would fly out to New York to meet Derek's family. Derek thought about his therapy sessions with Addison. That was very different, probably because somewhere underneath they knew what they had couldn't be fixed. What he and Meredith have, now that needed to be fixed. He needed her too much not to give everything he had.

The receptionist told them that Mrs. Hanson was now ready for them. As they entered Mrs. Hanson greeted them and signaled them to have a seat.

She started to ask them about the past week, how things had been. They had not seen much of each other since it had been a busy week at the hospital but now they were going away for the weekend. Meeting the family's a big step forward, she said.

"Okay, now. Last week we talked about Addison coming to Seattle and Derek trying to fix their marriage," she started. "Now, Meredith. Did you see other men while he was with Addison."

Meredith had known this was the subject of this session all week and yet she had not been able to prepare herself. Derek knew she had slept around; for god's sake he called her a whore.

"Yes, I did," she said quietly. Derek didn't say anything. This was something he really found hard to discuss. They never had talked about it, with the possible exception of when he yelled at her in the hospital stairwell.

"Was it one man, or did you date many men?"

Meredith took a deep breath. _Just get this over with. _"At first it wasn't... I didn't date... I... it..." She took another breath. "It was just sex," she then said noticing the hurt in Derek's eyes.

"Okay, did sleeping with other men help you move on?"

Like the last time she was there, she had absolutely no control over her tear ducts.

"No, I just..." she took a deep breath. _Just get this over with._ "When I was little my dad left, and I didn't see him for twenty years. My mom was never there... She regretted having had kids... I never had that family like my friends had... That unconditional love. I know you're not supposed to drink a bottle of tequila at the age of seventeen, and that you're not supposed to sleep with whoever's there next to you. But my mom didn't care, as long as I kept my grades up. And the tequila it numbed me, and the sex... well... I know it was just temporary affection but I needed that. So that's what I did... until I met him. You know my life had been this long and painful struggle, and he was the answer. The first person to love me no matter what. Even after he went back to Addison, he was there when I broke down in supply closets and whatever... So I don't know... I guess I kind of went back to my old ways after he left."

Derek looked at her. Her eyes were red and she was doing the best she could not to break down. On some level he knew all the things that she just said. He knew she's had a horrible childhood and a history of inappropriate men and tequila. But he never thought that he was the only one to love her no matter what. How could people not love a person as amazing as she was.

"Okay, Meredith. Take a deep breath. You are doing great," Mrs. Hanson said and gave her a convincing smile as Derek took her hand. "Now, Derek. Did you know that she was sleeping with other men?"

"Well, there was one who came to the hospital with medical issues," he started. "Then... well... she told me about George and then there was the vet..."

"I never slept with Finn," Meredith interrupted.

"What!?" Derek said in surprised tone. "But, when I brought Doc to see him you were there. In his shirt with wet hair..."

"That's a long story, including a pony birth... but no sex," she said awkwardly.

"But when I... When I was yelling in..." he started.

"When you called me whore in the stairwell... ?"

Derek frowned. "Yeah... Why didn't you correct me?"

"I told you, I said that..."

"You said you'd make no apologies for how you chose to repair what I broke,"

"Yeah."

"So, from that yelling, I think I can say you were jealous Derek?" Mrs. Hanson said.

Meredith couldn't help but giggle a little. She knew how hard it was for him to admit to jealousy.

"Maybe a little," he said timidly.

"Well, that's the understatement of the year. Even Addison noticed it..." Meredith's voice trailed off.

"Fine, yes. She was dating the vet and..."

"You know, the vet has a name Derek!" Meredith said.

"She was dating Finn and I hated it, it was like I realized that this time I was really losing her."

"So, what happened next?" Mrs. Hanson said with a calm voice.

This time they were both awkward. They looked at each other.

"Then... we had sex in an exam room," Derek finally said.

"Okay, well. We'll start there next week. You know for a couple with a lot of baggage you are extremely close. I don't think anything will tear you apart at this point." Mrs. Hanson smiled at them. Although it was nice to hear her say that, it was something the both of them already knew, so they just smiled back at her. "Enjoy you weekend in New York!"


	8. Nerves

8. Nerves

Meredith heard the phone ringing inside the house as she searched for her keys in her purse. When she'd finally managed to open the door she ran into the kitchen, throwing the grocery bags onto the floor as she picked up the phone.

"Yeah, hello," she said, breathing heavily.

"Meredith? Hi... hello, it's um... it's Addison... Montgomery," said a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

"Oh yeah... hi," Meredith said hesitantly, surprised by this unexpected phone call.

"I'm sorry I'm calling your house, it's just... I'm selling the brownstone and there's some stuff of Derek's that's still there and I couldn't reach him at his cell or at the hospital."

"No, it's fine. He actually went into surgery a couple of hours ago, should be here soon. If you want, I'll tell him to call you back."

"Thank you,"

"No, problem. So how's L.A.?" she said, finding it surprisingly easy to talk to her boyfriend's ex wife.

"It's different. I think it's exactly what I needed. A change. Sometimes you need to get away from everything to get perspective of things. But I miss Seattle a little but," she laughed a little and then continued; "just like I used to miss New York, before."

"Speaking of which; Derek's dragging me to New York meet the family this weekend..." her voice trailed off, not quite sure if it was an appropriate subject. Thankfully Addison didn't seem to mind.

"Don't be nervous, they'll love you."

"Well you left large footsteps to fill," Meredith answered. "I'm not sure the slutty intern thing will go over too well."

Addison laughed a little. "Don't let Nancy get to you. She had a loyalty towards me 'cause she introduced us... besides, as long as you don't go and sleep with Mark you'll be fine," she laughed, surprised at how easy it was talking about things that had caused the both of them a lot of heart ache. "Anyway..." her voice trailed off.

"I'll tell Derek you called," Meredith said with a warm voice.

"Okay, goodbye Meredith."

"Addison!"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"And... I'm sorry... about everything."

"Yeah, me too."

"Goodbye, Addison"

"Goodbye."

Just as she hung up the phone she heard Derek burst into kitchen.

"Hey, babe. Who was it?"

"Addison. She wants to talk to you about some stuff you left at the brownstone. "

"Okay, I'll call her later." He placed a kiss on her cheek before continuing. "So, have you packed yet?"

"No... I have absolutely no idea what kind of clothes people wear in New York!"

He laughed at her newfound problem. "Just wear what you like. They party is a 'dress up' event, just so you know. Oh, and mom's having a family dinner tomorrow night. You know... my sisters, brothers-in law and us."

This was not helping Meredith with her nervousness. She was a little glad though that they'd be staying at a hotel and not in a guest bedroom at one of his sister's. They were heading out tomorrow morning, spending two nights there and returning on Sunday.

"So, should I cook...or should we order inn?" Derek asked with a tired face. She smiled at him, placing her hands on his hips and pulling him closer.

"Lets order inn," she whispered before finding his lips with hers.

"You know what we can do while we wait?" he smirked.

"Derek, I have to pack!"

"Fine," he pouted.

She headed upstairs, but suddenly stopped in the middle of the stairs and turned around.

"You ok?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, it's just... You have to stay by my side. You can't leave me all alone out there with someone I don't know. I know you said they're going to be nice, and I believe you. But I can't do it unless you're there with me," she said a little nervously.

He smiled. "Meredith, I'd never leave you alone. I'll be there all the time, I promise you that."

She smiled. "I love you, you know?"

"I love you too," he replied. "Now, go pack so we can do other things after dinner..."


End file.
